I’m choosing to vent via Tumblr, as it is the only private place I can do so…but these past couple of days have been horribly horrible. I have so much pent up anger, bitterness and frustration and it’s done terrible things to my diet and exercise.
My grandmother, who lives my family, fell and fractured her shoulder. So, currently, I’ve been recruited as her caregiver. I’m not complaining, she has taken care of me so now I have no qualms to return the favor, but I can’t help but feels such deep resentment towards her other, uh, I don’t know 18 grandkids.
It’s just so infuriating because my grandmother is 83 years old and my mother has taken care of her for the majority of last 3 decades. My mom’s siblings do nothing for my grandmother buy call once a week and if they do, it’s to ask for money.
It’s frustrating to know that they are just let to live their lives without having everything turned upside down and be thrown into fits of worry.
What’s even more upsetting is to know that if I’m this angry about it, it kills me to think of how much it’s been eating at my mother for these years.
I really can’t stand her stupid, crazy sister and her deadbeat brother. Once my grandmother passes (not any time soon, hopefully) I can’t wait to never have to deal with that side of the family anymore.
They have never reached out to help my grandmother once, never offered for her to live with them, never offered to lift the burden off my my family, off of my mother. And for that I will never forgive them.
Literally just woke up. It’s noon. Dear lord. The only thing that made me get up and put work out clothes on is this bangin’ new playlist I put together last night. I’m so unmotivated.
I’ve been eating pretty badly. It’s been a wedding/birthday weekend that carried over onto Monday and it’s just been terrible.
Also, of course I’m on my period, so there’s that to deal with.
Also, I’ve been going through stuff with my ex-boyfriend.
Boo. I just want to sleep and eat cake.
Whatevs. I’m going to the gym and try to get back on track. I can’t let all my hard work from last week go to waste just because of boys and cake and periods.
from one of my good friend’s lovely wedding. On the drive back I thought of how bummed I felt about the way I looked in the pictures I was taking with my other friends. I planned a whole “pity me post” and everything.
But you know what?
I’m not that person anymore. At least, I’m doing something to not be that person anymore. A bad picture is a bad picture. No matter if it’s a skinny, fat, thin, or overweight person. So, there. Not going to pity myself.
Saying that, I had an awesome time tearin’ it up on that dance floor and even managed to persuade my shy guy friends to bust some moves.
All in all, a great day.
Lately I’ve been thinking about things that I’ve missed out on or certain aspects of my life that could have been infinitely better had I not been overweight for the better part of these 22 years.
I look at old photos and I just want to throw them away, rip them into shreds so I never have to look at those bad memories. I can’t remember a time when I haven’t been overweight. I was always the bigger girl in the group, the girl who endured countless years of torment from cruel classmates.
I’m not saying school was unbearable for me. I had great friends but I was always the girl who just sort of laughed it off, which possibly was even worse.
Going on to college should have been my turning point. I should have snapped out of it, but I didn’t. I just gained and gained. I can write this retrospectively now that it’s been some months since I graduated, but I missed out on so many college crushes and date nights and midnight shenanigans.
Even my trip to London last summer is painful when I look back at the pictures that I actually did take. It hurts for me to admit that I intentionally didn’t take a lot of photos on that trip because I didn’t want to look back and see how overweight I was.
It’s been a constant battle but it’s over. I’m done shuffling in this heavy armor. It’s time to get back my life. I’m only 22. I have many life experiences that will make up for the 22 years wasted leading up to this point.
I’m so fucking ready for this change.